If the goal in Family Ministry is to help parents train up children who, as adults, are making disciples on their own, it may feel at times that it’s just wishful thinking and hopeful praying. 

It can definitely seem overwhelming when a parent is cradling a newborn and trying to imagine what that child will be like as a young adult. Whether it’s picturing them on the mission field, leading friends to Christ, or even guiding their own family spiritually one day, uncertainty begins to creep in. Parents soon realize, children don’t just grow into spiritual champions, do they?

No, they do not. In fact, there’s something in the Bible about training them up. But many parents feel they don’t know enough about the Bible to lead spiritually. They begin thinking about how they didn’t see discipleship modeled in their own childhood home and, frankly, don’t want to try because they don’t want to fail.

Family Ministry Leaders, it’s our job to help our parents see that they can, indeed, complete the job God has given them.

The end goal can be difficult to imagine when all a parent can see in the present is their kid constantly getting pennies stuck up their nose. So it’s our job to help. We need to give parents identifiable markers to aim for at each stage of their child’s spiritual life. 

One approach for this good work is the Four Stages of Family Discipleship:

When parents view their job of training up their children in bite-size goals, it becomes a little more clearer, as well as attainable. In fact, it can be very rewarding to look at a chart like this and see, “Oh, I’m already doing this and that. And we’re already on Stage 3 with this goal!”  

Something to take note of in this chart is that it doesn’t start off with the spiritual aspect. This is important because building a strong house in Stages 2-4 requires the foundation of a healthy relationship in Stage 1. You can’t really do the last three stages if you’re not spending time together, having meaningful conversations, and if you don’t have consistent expectations. Some families will feel great that they’re already ahead in the charts, while others will see Stage 1 as a healthy wake-up call.

The Four Stages of Family Discipleship puts the responsibility on the parents, where it belongs, and we, as family ministry leaders, get to support by providing resources and strategies along the way.

For a generation that was mostly dropped off at church and who needs to relearn what discipleship in the home can look like, a model, such as this, can be a gift and a relief. To see a process that’s broken down into manageable parts doesn’t take away from the role of the Holy Spirit, but offers a way for families to experience measurable success and easy wins.

Interested in reading more about family ministry?
Check out Family Ministry Matters!

Kevin Allen studied Christian Theatre at Hannibal-LaGrange College in Hannibal, Missouri and received his Master of Arts in Theology from SWBTS in Fort Worth, Texas. He’s served in churches that have been small to mega and is currently the Pastor to Children and Young Families at First Baptist Church of Stephenville, Texas.  He loves (most) activities with his family like camping, games, and movie nights.  Kevin is available for speaking, coaching, or just plain brain-storming! Email him at KevinFamilyMin@gmail.com to get connected!

The post Easy Wins in Family Ministry appeared first on Ministry Architects.

As church leaders, we often put lots of energy into planning a great fall launch for the ministries we lead. We want to create excitement and energy as people walk back into the doors of the church. And that can be great! But do we strategically embrace this season as a real opportunity to not only reel in kids and teens, but intentionally engage parents, too?  We have the opportunity to equip and encourage the whole family along their journey of life and faith. 

In addition to relaunching our children’s and youth ministries, what if we spent some time, thought, and energy into doing more? Let’s do things helpful not just to the kids and teens, but to the parents as well. What if we considered our fall through the lens of the whole family? 

As you think though how you can kick off your fall for families, consider focusing on these three keys:

1. Take time to talk to parents. 

We all know that to do effective ministry with kids and teens, it’s important to build relationships. We even call it “relational ministry.” The same is true with parents. If we are going to step into the world of helping families, we must be in relationship with them. We have to know their stories, their celebrations, their pains, and their struggles. 

Early in the fall, add these two strategic things. Firstly, schedule individual times with parents (coffee, lunch, or phone conversations). Secondly, add more formal focus groups to listen to parents. You might be surprised at how much information and relational mileage you’ll get by simply gathering a group of parents and saying, “As the church, we want to partner with you as you raise your kids in the faith. What could that look like?”

2. Offer practical help for felt needs to families in your ministry. 

As you spend time with parents, you’ll learn about their pain points. So, are they struggling with navigating screen time and social media? Has their teen started to vape and they have no idea how to handle it? Is their child struggling with friendships and becoming more isolated? Are their children walking away from faith and moving away from the church? Are their kids and teens asking tough questions about their identity? 

When you hear about these issues, strategically offer spaces for parents that provide:

• Opportunities to talk with other parents.
• Education on topics and applicable ideas for what to do in their home.
• Encouragement to hang in there.

These don’t have to be elaborate events with food, décor, and a complicated program. For example, a simple seminar with a trusted leader will go a long way towards helping parents feel like their church is “with them” in their struggle. 

3. Create moments at church for the family ministry. 

As individual programs crank back up and we step back into the tendency to silo kids, teens, and adults, look for opportunities to bring the whole family together. Again, don’t feel the pressure to have to plan big events.

Instead, look for ways to bring everyone together in the normal rhythm of your church:

• Could Sunday school classes gather for 15 minutes of coffee, juice, and donuts all together instead of in their individual rooms? 
• Could you invite parents to the first half of youth group, let them see some of the “controlled chaos” and then offer snacks and prayer for them? 
• Could one Sunday service be for the whole family, suspending all classes for that day?

Brainstorm ways that bring together all life stages, fit your context, and intentionally support moments when the family can be all together. 

One of the things I have started to say recently is this: Family ministry matters!

It matters because our families matter, no matter what they look like. It matters because kids and teens are formed and shaped most in the context of family. It matters because we are all a part of God’s family, the church, and we all have both the opportunity and the responsibility to care for the family.

As you prepare to step into the fall and a new season of ministry, think about how you can not only minister to kids and teens, but really minister to the whole family.

Interested in reading more about family ministry? Then check out Family Ministry Matters!

The post Three Keys to a Fantastic “Family Ministry Fall” appeared first on Ministry Architects.

Over the last ten years or so, I have come to believe that the best way to really help these kids, teens, and young adults is to focus more on those who have the greatest influence on them:

Their parents and leaders.

Don’t get me wrong, what we do directly for kids and teens in our churches really matters. My two children have greatly benefited from those people and programs that have fostered their faith over the years. I also know that many of us put a real emphasis on equipping and training teachers and leaders. We should. 

But I wonder if, as we think about “family ministry,” we sometimes miss the boat. So, what should this endeavor look like? I’ve been working on a few projects over the past several years. And I have come to believe that what we really need is a whole family ministry. In most contexts, we think we have a family ministry. We put kids and teen programs under the same umbrella. We hope they play nice when it comes to money and facilities. And finally, we communicate about all we are doing for them at church. We can sometimes call it a ministry to the next generation. I’ve started calling it “Family Ministry 1.0″. If I’m honest though, I’m not sure that’s really a ministry for the whole family. 

Most of us got into this kind of work because we love working with kids and teens. Although it has its share of challenges, it can be a lot of fun. We know that working with adults and parents is necessary, but it often doesn’t make our heart sing.

We may need to sacrifice some of our desire to work directly with kids and teens. In return, we may just get the impact with kids and teens that we so desperately want. 

Put another way, if we want a ministry for the whole family with long-term impact, what we need is:

• A solid ministry for children where we introduce them to the basics of faith. We help them build a strong foundation on Jesus. 
• A dynamic and engaging ministry for teens that helps them internalize their faith and make it their own. Somewhere they can learn how to live for Jesus every day.
• A practical and helpful ministry for parents where we help them embrace their role as spiritual leaders. We can offer real encouragement and resources. 

That’s a whole family ministry. It not only focuses on the kids which, if we’re honest, often come to us. It also puts real thought, time, energy, and resources into the parents and leaders who are called to lead these kids. I often hear parents say that they have lost hope and have no idea how to guide their kids. I often hear leaders say they feel ill-equipped to answer the tough questions that come their way, and they fear steering young people in the wrong direction. If the key adults in their lives don’t feel confident and equipped to lead, these kids will have little to no chance at coming out on the other side of their adolescent journey with a healthy sense of self and a solid faith in Christ. If these same key adults do feel equipped, hopeful, and ready, the kids and teens will no doubt have a better chance to succeed. I feel like our job is to equip and encourage those who are leading these kids, teens, and young adults.

Ephesians 4:11-12 tells us, “So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up.”

That’s our job. Not only do we need to minister to the kids and teens who are in our midst, we need to do everything we can to make sure we are investing in and equipping the teachers and leaders who influence these kids at church. Find people who have authentic faith and can build relationships with kids and teens. Train these people and help them be prepared for the issues and questions that will come their way.

But – we REALLY need to do everything we can to equip and encourage the parents who influence these kids at home. We need to build a real ministry to parents that is relevant, helpful, hopeful, and proactive in providing parents with what they need to lead their kids in life and faith. Building this kind of ministry matters!

It matters because…

• Our kids matter, and they need help.

• The world is changing fast, and we need to keep up.

• Parents and leaders often get discouraged and don’t know what we are doing.

• It’s what God has called us to do.

As you continue to evaluate how you might better step into the specific ministry God has called you to, think about how you can be a part of building a ministry that isn’t for the family in name only, but a ministry that targets the whole family and truly helps them step into the vision God has for them. I know you might be overwhelmed with all that you currently have to do, and you likely don’t have the bandwidth to add something else. You should know that there are churches and ministries who are working hard to figure this out and step into a ministry that is truly for the whole family. You should also know that you can do it, too.

To talk more about Family Ministry, email Chris or connect with an experienced ministry coach today!

Questions to Ponder: 

• Are the leaders under my care trained and ready to shepherd the kids and teens who come their way? 

• How can I insure the parents in my sphere are hopeful and equipped to lead the kids God has given them?

• What things do I need to delegate or let go of in order to give energy towards truly equipping and encouraging leaders and parents in my context?

• What is my next step?

The post Family Ministry Matters! appeared first on Ministry Architects.

Connection Weekend is when young children and adults come together to serve in different service projects in their community. It is a great opportunity to invite families to see the needs of others around them and contribute together to a greater purpose outside of their everyday routine in life. In Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus gives us the greatest commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all you heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and then He calls us to “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  The greatest commandment applies to even our youngest members.

By creating opportunities for the church to serve, we give our children a place where they can express God’s love for the people in our community and to be part of God’s mission in the world.
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To host a Connection Weekend you can partner with organizations that build homes for the low income families, local foodbanks, emergency housing for single moms, homeless soup kitchens, nursing homes, or hospitals. The possibilities are endless – but the most effective partnerships happen when projects are closely aligned with causes that reflect the values of the church and its volunteers.  These service opportunities not only meet tangible needs within communities but also provide a sacred space for participating kids and parents to share life in a meaningful way through connecting with each other as they work towards a common goal to help others. The beauty of these powerful moments is that they happen organically.

There is something to be said about serving that invites us all to an equal plane of humility, which a typical “church program” cannot provide.
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On one particular Connection Weekend at our church, we had the opportunity to build a home for a family in need. Our younger participants ranged from preschoolers to teenagers, and everyone had an essential contribution to make. In serving together, our families became one big family with one same purpose in mind – to serve God through helping a family in need. Young children helped with painting and took on the important job of delivering water and snacks to the group. Teenagers with tool belts hanging from their waists eagerly hammered away at every available nail. Moms and dads guided and taught other kids as well about how to use tools, how to be safe, and how to work as a team throughout the weekend. 

Not only was a house being built, but a bigger family was being created as we laughed together and shared our life stories. We had teens who just needed to be loved, cared for, and affirmed by other grownups, and their parents were thankful for this investment into their children by others. Together we prayed, blessed, and even cried for the family we were building a home for, and our church family was able to share one heart in worship and in service. Instead of dividing up to go to our own age-appropriate services, we all experienced God communally in these shared moments. Our individual families became one big family with a singular purpose in mind, to serve God by helping a family in need.

The relationships we built during Connection Weekend continued even after the event. One of the greatest developments from that time are the growth groups that the participating families created afterwards. These groups invited other families to dinners and BBQs, started doing life together, and continue to serve together during other Connection Weekends. For many of our kids and teens, church became a place where they belonged and felt more at home because of the relationships that grew from interactions with other caring adults in the church over that weekend.

By creating opportunities to serve God in our community, we are not only able to strengthen ties with our neighbors, but within our churches and particularly with our children as well.
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As the kids experience this type of investment into people, they will also witness the love of God firsthand and be better able to express that love to others.

The post Connection Weekend for Families appeared first on Ministry Architects.

As I stumbled across this scene I envisioned a young teenage girl flying out of her seat as she was being pushed at mock speed by a young, growing teenage boy. As she goes flying through the air she lands, not softly on the ground, but instead breaking her wrist or bruising herself badly from the early morning race through the hallways. Then, I thought, and I’ll be the one making the phone call to mom and dad.  I’ll have to explain what happened, and why, under my leadership, I allowed for it. 

As you can imagine, I quickly shut the race down. Now the engines that were firing at full speed were being pulled back into the parking garage.  The students, of course, weren’t happy, because in their mind, I had killed their fun. Little did they know, I was protecting them and the integrity of the youth ministry. 

Here’s the thing about parents, they won’t send their child somewhere If they believe their child won’t be well taken of or kept safe.
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If their child is being bullied or constantly put in situations that harm their physical safety, you can almost guarantee that parent will find a new youth group for their child to be part of. 

Sure, I get it, some things are unavoidable, like the time a junior high girl stepped on an old rusty nail in her bare feet at summer camp and we had to take her to the urgent care clinic. Parents understand that accidents are going to happen. But, how cognizant are we of this great need that parents have to know that their kids are safe?

Parents can be your biggest advocate. If they know that you’re going to love their child, take good care of them and create a safe place for them, then they’re going to trust you.

Trust, with parents, in youth ministry, is everything.
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If creating a safe environment for your students hasn’t been on your top priority list, consider making a shift in your leadership. Trust me, it will only benefit you, your students and your longevity in youth ministry.

The post Do Parents Trust You? appeared first on Ministry Architects.

It’s a centuries old question – what in the world do we do with children in worship? And the Church is, and always has been, all over the map when it comes to involving children in its worship. I know that in some churches children are always present. In other churches children have their own space while their parents attend “big church” unhindered by the trials and cares of parenthood.

For the sake of this article, though,  let’s assume that your church is one of those that has decided that having children present in worship is something of value, but that infants and toddlers will have a full-service nursery, that older preschoolers will attend part of the worship service then move to an extended session in the children’s area, and that elementary children will be full participants in worship.

The challenge for the church then becomes to offer something to children that will be truly engaging, going beyond coloring quietly and behavior modification, enabling its youngest worship participants to take something away that…
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Many churches like yours attempt to engage their children through a children’s time, presented by either a pastor or a children’s worker. Often it is a summary of the scriptural theme for the day or a retelling of the story or a reference to the Christian calendar.

But let’s face it - usually the effectiveness of the children’s time (at least measured by its children) is gauged by the quality of the suckers or candy at the end.
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We need to make this time into something more! We need to make sure that we are giving children something that is uniquely their own and that the Gospel is coming alive for them.

What’s in the Box?

As a pastor I truly valued the children in my church. I wanted to know their names. I wanted them to know that their pastor cared about them and that I thought they were important. I was doing a children’s time but was frankly disappointed that the children were not more engaged… at least until the candy at the end.

I shared that with a close lifelong pastor friend one day when we had escaped the church office and stumbled upon a golf course. It was a beautiful day, just the kind of day when the clouds would part and heaven break forth with a new idea.

“You should give what I’m doing a try. Have you ever tried ‘the box?’” he said, and then he began to describe an idea that would bring new life into my church.

Basically it goes like this:

• The first Sunday you introduce the box and give it to a child. (In order to make sure that every child eventually gets a chance, you can pass it along alphabetically by first or last name or by birthday order of those present.)
• The child gets to pick what to bring back in the box the next week. (Encourage parents to be involved, but it’s important that the child picks the item.)
• The child brings the box back the next week and gets to sit by the pastor as the box is opened. They are SO excited to share whatever they’ve brought!
• Then YOU get to come up with a children’s message ON THE SPOT! Some of those will be better than others, but that was always the case anyway.

Of course, I started with a cardboard box, but within a month one of the church grandpas had constructed a magnificent wooden version.

The objects started pretty simple, but by the end of the first year I had …

• Caught fuzzy balls with a velcro skull cap on my head,
• Jumped up and down on spring loaded shoes,
• Been a “snake handler” in church,
• Opened a box of golden retriever puppies!

… all while wearing my liturgical robe!

Okay, so yes you’ve got to be a good sport. But if you’re willing to take a little risk, your church’s children will never forget their days of box time and how engaged they were with what happened there.

If “The Box” Sounds Too Scary …

For some folks the box sounds just too terrifying. Well, it’s true – you are indeed “on the spot.” So here are a few ideas to ease the pain if this just sounds too scary:

• Occasionally, the box will not return, for one reason or another. You’ll want to have a backup object lesson stored in the pulpit just in case the box gets “lost.” And then make sure to follow up during the coming week.
• Sure, there will come that day (or those days) when you really struggle to think of something creative to go with the day’s object. But not to worry – the children and the congregation will love that you tried, and they will have a golden lesson on how to extend grace, even if it is a little at your expense.
• There is the off chance that a child could bring something you consider inappropriate. That is why parent involvement is so important. If that prospect is just too scary, you might consider having a preview of the box prior to worship each Sunday. (I consider that to be cheating!)

Conclusion

I love the story of the little four-year-old who became too boisterous in church. His parents (and surrounding worshippers) had finally had enough, and his father had snatched him up and headed up the aisle for a sure reckoning of some sort in the church foyer. But before they reached the door the little boy pleaded, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

We want our children to get more than a reckoning when they share in our worship experiences. We want them to experience the love and grace of God in ways that are real, truly engaging them in ways that are uniquely theirs.
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If you want to hear more about “the box” or to get a little encouragement to take the risk, contact me at david.carroll@ministryarchitects.com. It’s even more fun than it sounds!!!

The post Engaging Children in Worship – What’s in the Box? appeared first on Ministry Architects.

Perhaps there is nothing more inevitable in youth ministry. It will happen. No matter what you do, how hard you try, or how good of a job you do, it will happen. It’s an eventuality and inevitability: parents will get angry and you will have to deal with it. Even though it’s something we all face, it’s also one of the more difficult parts of the job. Handle it the wrong way and you won’t be handling it much more. Furthermore, if you don’t handle it well it can steal your influence and steal your ministry. Learning how to deal with angry parents is a must for youth workers who want to lead next level!

Unfortunately, I’ve had to deal with more than my share of angry parents over the years. The good news is that out of these experiences I have learned 5 steps to take to defuse the situation. Just last week we held an all night event off campus. As you probably guessed, that meant dealing with some angry parents!

The good news was I had a process to handle it. It’s a tried and true process that has proven me well over 12 years of ministry, and I want to share it with you. So here are five steps to take when dealing with angry parents.

1) Recognize

The first step in dealing with angry parents is to recognize what went wrong. It’s important to verbally recognize what went wrong to the parent.  The truth is they already know what went wrong. They may not know the why, but they know the problem.

In the case I mentioned above, it was clear part of our group arrived late. At this point, it didn’t matter why we were late, it just mattered that we were. The most constructive thing I could do was recognize what went wrong and own it. This step alone makes a huge difference in dealing with angry and frustrated parents. Once they know you recognize mistakes were made and that you see what they see, it usually calms them down.

“When dealing with angry parents, it’s important to see what they see.”

2) Apologize

The next step is to apologize. What do you mean? What if it wasn’t my fault? What if there was nothing I could have done differently? I hear this from youth workers all too often. No one likes to admit when they’re wrong, and it’s hard to apologize when you feel like you haven’t messed up. That’s not the point though.

The point is we can ALWAYS apologize for something. A good rule of thumb for me is to apologize for whatever I can. My pride doesn’t like it, but it makes a huge difference in dealing with upset parents. I apologized for getting students home late. I apologized for not communicating better, even though I don’t know that I could have made it any better. I wished I could have, so I apologized for what I could.

Don’t let you pride get in the way of salvaging the situation. Apologize for what you can and move on. It may not feel great, but it will help a great deal.

“When dealing with angry parents, apologize for what you can.”

3) Empathize

The third step in dealing with angry parents is to empathize. Try to feel what they’re feeling. Instead of bowing up and taking the emotional arrows personally, feel what they’re feeling.

I’m convinced that no other step in this process makes as great of an impact. It’s the most important step you can take. It’s also the most unnatural for me. I’m not a real emotional or empathetic guy. I generally feel for people more than feeling with them, and I hate to be wrong. The competitive and prideful spirit in me fights this step, but I lean into God’s Spirit as hard as I can here. Why? Because this step is vital to successfully dealing with angry parents.

Feel what they feel and apologize again if necessary. Let them know you understand the situation is frustrating, inconvenient, or difficult. Put yourself in their shoes and let them know you feel with them. Show them your heart for them as a parent. Nothing makes a bigger difference in these situations.

“When dealing with angry parents, try to feel what they feel.”

4) Reorganize

Now it’s time to reorganize the conversation. Call back what you’ve heard them say, what you recognize happened to cause it, and how it made them feel. Then, tell them what steps you’ll take for a better outcome next time. Reorganizing the conversation lets the parent know you’ve heard them, understand them, and you want to do something about it.

It’s difficult for most people to stay mad when they feel like these things have happened. Often, I find angry parents just want vent, and this let’s them know you’ve heard and care.

“When dealing with angry parents, let them know they’ve been heard.”

5) Energize

At this point, thank them for their patience, understanding, honesty, support, etc. Thank them for whatever you can, even if it’s more what you hope to receive. Then, let them know you hope they have a great day, and pray for them if you can. It may sound silly, but this has a way or reframing the whole conversation and ending it on a bright and hopeful note.

The previous steps diffuse the situation, but this step helps turn it. They came to you upset, you want them to leave hopeful. In essence, it’s all about letting them know you care. And nothing turns a conversation like knowing the person on the other side cares.

While the other steps diffuse problems, this step wins fans. Some of the best parent supporters I’ve had came after critical conversations like this. This step will help take your ministry to parents to the next level!

“When dealing with angry parents, thank them and let them know you care.”

One final note, always remember to stay gentle and even. A gentle answer turns away wrath. You can’t be a leader if you can’t keep your cool. I hope this process helps turn your next conversation with an angry parent into an incredible win!

The post How to Deal With Angry Parents appeared first on Ministry Architects.

It’s the season of school supplies and schedules. Social media is filled with first day photos, and stores are a sea of golden yellow and character-themed backpacks. It’s time for Back to School. While this season can be exciting for children (and especially their parents), parents can quickly get back into the day-to-day rut of asking How was school today? and receiving the dreaded answer: Fine.

Start the Conversation

It leaves parents wondering about what their children do all day and why they have so little to say about it. So how do we, as children’s ministers and parents, help our children talk about school? Let me suggest some guided questions, to encourage our children to spill the beans about what they do for nearly 40 hours per week. Instead of asking How was your day?, try asking questions like these:

• What was your favorite thing about school today?
• Who did you sit with at lunch?
• What friends/classmates were you excited to see?
• What was trending at school today?
• Tell me something funny that happened at school.
• What did you play at recess (or at PE/Physical Education)?
• Did you act like Jesus today? How?
• What is your favorite word on the spelling list?
• Which is your best subject? How do you know that you’re good at it?

Ask Probing Questions

Let’s say that that the child has had a rough day. It’s important that we allow our child the chance to be vulnerable and that we provide a safe place for her to talk about how she feels, even when emotions are less than happy. Here are some ways to get her talking about it in order to work through the tough emotions:

• When did you start to feel sad?
• Did someone say something that hurt your feelings today?
• Who are the popular kids in your class? Do you feel a part of that group? What do you have in common? What makes you different?
• Tell me the worst part of your day.
• Which is your hardest subject in school? Do you think you’re good at it?
• How did you feel when ________? (Insert the less-than-happy thing that the child mentioned.)

Validate Feelings

It’s important to validate our children’s feelings. We want to let them know that we care, and that their problems are real problems, no matter how small they may seem to grown-ups. To validate a child’s feelings, say things like:

• I’m so sorry that you felt that way.
• That must have really hurt.
• Wow, that would make me sad, too.
• What a mean thing to say! (if your child mentions something mean that was said to him/her)
• That’s a normal feeling, baby. It’s okay to feel sad.
• When you feel down, remember that your family (and God) loves you dearly. Picture us giving you a big hug. You are never alone.

Problem-Solve

Now let’s move to problem-solving. After we validate, there may be some guided questions that can help our children come up with solutions to their own problems. First offer your help and then ask if she would like you to brainstorm ideas with her. While we can’t control what happens in our child’s school day, we can help her consider solutions to make the next day a better one. Here are some suggestions:

• What might be a good way to ask for help when you get stumped on a problem?
• Are there lonely children that you might be able to help? How can you offer your help?
• What might be a good response to someone who says something mean? (That hurt my feelings. I don’t like when you say that to me. Those are mean words.)
• What can you do tomorrow to have a better day?

With some practice, we can help parents learn effective ways to talk about their child’s school day. When this happens, we help families develop strong communication skills, which will build a foundation for talks about so many things. Who knows? Our children may even begin to talk about their school day, as well as their concerns, hurts, and fears, without even hearing the question: How was your day?

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The truth of the matter is that shows like “No Reservations” would jump through loads of hoops, have significant advance presence and a team of locals who worked diligently to make sure everything was so detailed and perfectly plotted that it appeared completely natural. One of the most important jobs, especially in the more remote locales was the job of the “fixer”. The fixer is a local who is well connected and could get Anthony into places and situations that he, otherwise, could not get into or in many cases would not even know existed. The fixer would go ahead of Anthony “fixing” each situation, setting it up for the most optimal camera ready interactions and experiences. This is great for television shows, it gives a glimpse into what more intimate and often times closed door situations would look like if you were not an outsider.

While being a “fixer” is great if you are working for a television show, it is terribly detrimental if you are parent.

In the past 5-10 years I have seen more and more parents resort to playing the fixer role for their children. I see them lumber and labor to always be five steps ahead of their children, always sorting, setting, arranging and meddling to make sure that their child has the most “optimal camera ready” experiences possible. So many parents are doing this from the moment their children have any potential for an experience that could be “off the script”. “Fixing” relationships, social circles, clubs, extracurriculars, classes and even play dates has become the standard. It is done with the best of intentions, but with the most dire of consequences.

Study after study, has warned us of the high price we pay when parents insulate, over protect and script their children’s lives. Children not only grow up with a less experienced life with little ability to problem solve, lack of creativity and very thin skin, they also grow up more depressed and more medicated.

When parents resort to the role of fixer we tell our children two things:

1. You are incapable of living in a world that I do not create for you.
2. Whatever you accomplished, you did so (only) with my help.

In youth ministry we have the incredibly important job of helping our parents see a different way. There is a prophetic role that we are called to that helps parents step outside of the predominant stream of “fixer” parenting and not only trust that their kids are amazing capable and stronger that they could ever imagine, but to also trust that God does not need them to script their children’s lives. When we do fixer parenting we are committing the sin of rigging our children’s lives because we do not believe in them and we do not believe in a God who loves them. Helping our parents understand the durability of their children and the trustworthiness of the God who made them is a holy and good calling. A calling that I encourage you to answer.

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